30 days until my life is different.

These walls don't hold us in today.
We don't gather in these halls.
Little scraps of paper give destination and estimation of return.
From the way the wind hits the windows you might think this house alone.
But look at the walls
and remember that
for a moment
we were so picturesque.

I am a particularly wearied individual.
But all things considered, I only cried once today.
That's a good sign.

Sometimes I feel as if my life consists of
school
homework (sometimes)
sleep
homework (always)
school
work
sleep
eat

Mostly in that jagged order
and sometimes I find it difficult to differentiate where I am

Dressed in our finery
we suck in our stomachs

Pretending this elegance comes naturally
and who is this maybelline of whom you speak so fondly?
She must be a real beauty
but nothing to you

of course not.

---

Suck in your stomach
I don't want to see your organs
Not what's inside of you
just the outside
for now

Almost every one of my posts is accompanied by a song. Well, that's my life, every moment is accompanied by some song or another.

This song is one of my absolute favorites.
The music: Perfect.
The lyrics: Perfect.

Every other song I have posted pales in comparison.
Really.
Pale. Pasty.

The Engine Driver - The Decemberists

I'm an engine driver
On a long run, on a long run
Would I were beside her
She's a long one, such a long one

And if you don't love me, let me go
And if you don't love me, let me go

I'm a county lineman
On a high line, on a high line
So will be my grandson
There are powerlines in our bloodlines

And if you don't love me, let me go
And if you don't love me, let me go

And I am a writer, writer of fictions
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones
My bones
My bones

I'm a moneylender
I have fortunes upon fortunes
Take my hand for tender
I am tortured, ever tortured

And if you don't love me, let me go
And if you don't love me, let me go

And I am a writer, writer of fictions
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones
I am a writer, I am all that you have home
Home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones
My bones
My bones

(And if you don't love me, let me go)
And if you don't love me, let me go
(And if you don't love me, let me go)
And if you don't love me, let me go

Hey, these folks are coming to Calvin on Friday!

But really. These guys are so awesome.

Welcome Wagon 1
Welcome Wagon 2

I'm no longer sunburned from senior service day.
I'm no longer overwhelmed at work.
I'm no longer busy as can be...
now I'm almost a little bored.

That's kind of nice.

Have a good song
Where is my Mind - The Pixies

Today I found out that it's okay to cry at work when all of the ladies you work with are moms and grandmas.

Today I found out that weeping all the way home makes it difficult to see, especially when your contacts pop out at red lights and you have to put them back in.

Today I found out that you make a really good impression meeting your brother's girlfriend for the first time when you walk in the door with tears streaming down your face.

Today I found out that it gets quite a laugh when you, in an immense emotional state, wipe your eyes and say 'don't worry, I'm always like this.'

Today I found out that ... Forget this. I'm going to bed.

It's really about the sweep of the shoulders.
That angle.
The quiet confidence.
Capable without all the pomp and circumstance.

You know the one.