It felt as if my brain were somehow smaller
like there were some things I just couldn't access
walls
but thoughts began to pierce through
jagged
spiny
it was a time both numb
and feverish

Sometimes when I'm at work I have these moments.
Little thoughts that I felt needed to be documented so they could be remembered and perhaps expanded upon later.
So I print out strips of receipt tape and get them illegibly scrabbled down.

So, Here are a few of them

On Killing Bees:
-The bees look to be in so much pain when they die.
It's nearly human, the agony.
You've snuffed out something so small
but purposeful.

-The Bee Peoples of the Northern Garden Hut are mourning the recent loss of their queen.

On Weather and Things Like It:
-Aw. Nice. Boob sweat.

-My arm hair is bleaching in the sun.

-It smells of "gonna rain"

-I need some cooler pants. It's hotter than blue blazes out here.

Inside and Around:
-Today I inadvertently set someone up for a "that's what she said joke"
A woman comes up to me
she says
I'm getting one of those chairs, a woman told me you had more and that she'd bring one up.
So, I help her check out and
before she leaves say
she was bringing one of those up for you, you said?
she responds
"that's what she said"
a line of people chuckled

-I lost the almost-best pen in the world.
It's just a little bit less than what a perfect pen should weigh
and writes just shy of heaven.
oh zebra, return to me

-A man comes in and says to me
You know, it makes sense that your name is Libby because your hair is the color of pumpkins
I know exactly what he means. I get this all the time
but his wife looks at him
"honey. that makes NO sense"
shaking her head

-It's nearing flag day and this women calls in wondering if we have "Don't tread on me" flags.
No. No we don't. Ethan and I exchange amused looks.

-It's official: Irish accents are best thing in the world.




Things I learned
My ability to think creatively drops dramatically when I'm hot.

I have this tendency.
Every year after school ends
I disappear
for a while
no one can get a hold of me

I read a book (Lord of the Rings)
I (don't) clean my room
I swing (sleep) in my hammock

and then return
my humor a little off
and too many unspoken words in my mouth

So.
If you can't find me.
I'm here.
I'm just elsewhere.

Life hands me lemons
and perhaps I'll make these.
(But in all seriousness, those are some of the best cookies I've ever eaten)

Now if only life would hand me key limes

I suppose I should now bear some semblance to what we like to call
A WOMAN
But I find myself dreading those moments when I have to walk out the door
to go someplace to hug someone
the thought of someones arms around me and mine around them
and the drive there
and the awkward moment when I say congratulations
though. we're both there
And the worse moment when I step out of my car
to go some place hauntingly the same
where I stand in line to give him a hug
but without my fall back congratulations or excitement
I look him in the eyes. and I look. And I say, real quiet
hey.

and that's it.
Here I am.
an adult (mostly)
a woman
and I'm not feeling strong or powerful
because I'm trying to find the words
the right ones
the ones that say every thought I've had
and sum them up
so they mean something
to wrap them in a small parcel of significance and memorability.
but no.
I just say
hey.

Did I grow up to be terse?

no.

maybe that marker didn't mean all we thought it means
maybe I'm still a child
and like a child to whom you request
"use your words"
being able to speak
doesn't constitute having something to say.