I missed you so much. I swear.
The words and the stories and the laughing.
And even after six months I still find I want for the same things.
I want to be able to let go like you.
To let go of it all and just be.

We have this old trucker hat that floats around my house
gathering dust
and clashing with our decor
USS SARATOGA CV-60
But it has a great story behind it.

We used to live in a Navy town
and so many grew up fatherless out of necessity
My grandparents came to visit one summer
and my neighbor's husband was on duty
she was nine months pregnant and my mom was supposed to bring her to the hospital when she got the call
my mom was away when we received the call
and so my grandpa ends up driving this woman who he has only met once before
to the hospital to give birth

my grandpa and this woman ended up being great friends and when her husband returned shortly after he brought my grandpa this hat. Which he wore for the rest of his life.

The other day was a rough day in my life
I spent the afternoon laying on my back in the middle of the living room
staring at the ceiling
feeling like an idiot for being so upset

But then I thought of all of the reasons why I was upset with the world
and I realized
sometimes
Angry is correct
and often
sad is as well

Today work was...
annoying
and hilarious

Sales are down today.
Slow moments and I'm standing there near the counter
meticulously sweeping perma-dirt out of the old cracked wood floor
and Steven walks up

-- A Few Notes About Steven --
1. He mumbles something fierce
2. He always sounds like laughing, even when he's serious
3. He uses many profanities (not applicable to this story, only a little to the next)

and Steve walks up holding a bottle of ammonia
"isn't this what the mob uses?"
I stare at the bottle in his hand wondering what he could possibly mean
then I think I figure out what he could have possibly meant
and I mutter something about chloroform on rags
and he stares at me
and I stare at him
and we stare at each other
Then I understand
and start to laugh
bubbling from my mouth comes
"no we put vinegar in the mop"
laughing still
"that was weird" he mumbles
and walks away

I'm still laughing

----------

Later comes over the intercom
Hey Sharon (a boss of mine)
there's a cat in the dumpster
and Sharon just about flips a lid
She says enthusiastically over the com
"Capture it and we'll keep it in the break room tonight!"
She justifies this by saying that the last cat she found in the dumpster
she accidentally killed with the high/low

So Steven walks past a few minutes later
"that cat is meaner than shit"
I mean to ask how mean shit actually is
but decide to hold my tongue
Because Jeremy is coming over the com

We hear this yowling and he shouts
"It sounds like a Bobcat!"
and some more rustling

Needless to say,
the cat did not spend the night in the break room

----------

Now for the part that wasn't as entertaining.
It's 8:04 and we're closed
but there is one customer left in the store
which is common,
they enter before we close and need a few things

In this case the person needed some help with screen
but she's already been helped
She knows we're closed
some lights are even off
all of the employees are waiting around
All of the grills are inside
and she decides to meander
for ten more minutes

Then she gets to me at the counter
finds out that half of the random items she picked up aren't on sale
and decides not to buy them
and leaves

Who does that?

With the end of children's shows like Mr. Rogers
and the onset of the chaos that is The Wiggles
I fear that one day
my children will be better at making fruit salad
than friends.

Things I fear about the future:

When I inevitably start using acronyms no one understands.

When all I have to talk about is work and my children.

When my children start to resent me.

When the things that drive me crazy about my parents start to be true of me.

Today I was bothered by the relativity of inspiration
how, in a frenzied moment of motivation
I finished a few agonizing tasks
and yet they are nothing

Or when I told you my greatest fear
and you laughed

And when I mentioned my confusion about the future
it was not met with any kind words
simply "yeah"

But what better could I give?

And so now, tired from a day of action, accomplishments
I stand no closer
to anything